Lets Talk Bread, Ham and Other Things, Maybe

Hooray for Casual Sex!

2005-11-24T13:56:00.000+10:30

Sorry this isn't ham OR bread related... but i am a woman above meat connoisseur.

Uni is a breeding ground for... well, its a breeding ground in general. People have lots of stupid drunk sex. Bottom line: I have to use the same toilet seats as them. Next thing i'll be wearing a T-shirt that says "My student representatives had unprotected sex, and all i got was this stupid clamydia(i made the t-shirt myself)".

This is dedicated to all those people who have put my personal hygiene at risk:

My Favourite things

Sleazes and sluts throwing up on the floor
Or just passed out against a toliet door
Half-naked strippers tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in school dresses with blue satin sashes
The boy that dances on the tables then flashes
Don't remember the gender, just multiple fakings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the crab bites
When the itch burns
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

The Ham Family

2005-11-23T14:54:00.000+10:30

I have been recieving requests for my opinions on non-ham, but almost ham meats(ok, so maybe just one request...)

Bacon: Bacon is Marcia Brady, while Ham is Jan. Bacon is the sweetheart, that popular girl from high school, the meat every guy is drooling about, and the bitch every girl secretly wants to be friends with. But while it maintains that delicious aura of unavailability, bacon gets around - think about it, its in everything, pizza, "ham"burgers. Jan might have braces and act awkward at times, but at least the pizza boy isn't having a secret nibble on her while you're not looking.

I apologise for the slightly creepy extended metaphor.

Prosciutto: So salty, so good. A heart attack in every mouthful(but in a good way).

Salami: Ok, so salami isn't necessarily in the ham family. Just think of salami as that funny looking third cousin of ham that tries to get a quickie with ham because "technically, we're not related". Approximately 40% saturated fat, and 10% actual meat, but oh it is delicious. But, like sleeping with your third cousin, eating a lot of salami probably isn't very healthy. So, in either case don't do it any more than, say, once a month.

Ham: the Feminists' Meat

2005-11-22T22:40:00.000+10:30

Ham and bread can do their thing in the fight for female liberation!

DOWN WITH COOKING,

JUST GET OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU SANDWICHES
(unless you are a male, in which case, GET IT YOURSELF, chauvinist prick, and while you're at it, bring me my slippers... there's a good boy)

teehee

Review: The Ham, Cheese, and Tomato Sandwich

2005-11-22T22:18:00.000+10:30

I know what you're thinking: Is the Ham, Cheese and Tomato Sandwich a daring subsitute for Ham and Bread, or just a wussy french cop-out?

Well, it isn't for purists, thats for sure. If you like your cigarettes freshly rolled, and chocolate products powdered and snorted, then you damn sure wouldn't want cheese and tomato overpowering the oral poetry of your ham. But then again, if you can add two other food groups to your meal, then go for your life tiger.

My verdict: This sandwich is a perfect for dinner, but a bit "oooh look at me I have cheese woooh" for lunch. And if you turn up to a table full of roast duck, steamed vegetables, and pie, and happily eat a Ham, Cheese and Tomato Sandwich in front of whoever just wasted a good portion of their day (and probably life) cooking you dinner, then i take my hat off to you. That is committment. And that is what i'm looking for in all of you.

Go forth, and wreck your personal lives, my children. And if you happen to sport any bruises from encounters with any non-believers perhaps from the scenario above, or maybe some christians, jews or muslims who sense you have found something higher to worship than their gods, be sure to send in pictures. And just know that you suffered in the name of Ham and Bread. And they are the only gods worth internal haemorrhaging for.

Bread and Ham as promised...

2005-11-21T17:49:00.000+10:30

Well, it wasn't so muched promised as implied by the title of the journal...

First of all, i would like to clarify: 'Ham', in this blog at least, is NOT a euphemism. Neither is 'bread', although that would be harder to make dirty (i've never even understood what the term "butter my bread" meant...is it even a thing??).

So, yes, i am writing on actual ham (as in from a slaughtered pig) and actual bread (as in the thing made of flour, yeast, and some sort of magical pixie dust). There is nowhere near enough websites dedicated to these wonderful things, although i've never actually looked for them. I just assume there isn't...

I am dedicated to make ham-sandwich-believers out of you "freshly cooked meal" freaks. Ham sandwiches CAN and SHOULD replace almost every single meal in your diet. Yes, i mean YOU. You, holding that hamburger - it's only an extravagantly inferior substitute! - and you, taking a bite of that chicken salad - empty calories! - and even you, the one with the tuna mornay - this one pretty much explains itself - all of you will see the light. I mean the light reflected off the natural sweaty glean of the piece of ham hanging out from the corner of that spongy, bready, goodness.

Oh!

I will educate you all. That is my promise to you.

Yay i have my own web-thingy!

2005-11-21T10:37:00.000+10:30

Now i can finally join the elite ranks of the 500 million people with their own blog!
I feel so unique.